Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
