I puked a lego.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
