Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
