I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
