accomplished twins. life is a go
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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