i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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