I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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