I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
