Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
