I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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