so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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