my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
