So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
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Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
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I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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