i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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