the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
