Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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