who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
