Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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