I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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