I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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