The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
