i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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