Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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