Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
