I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
