No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
