Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
