I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
jump out the window naked night went bad
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
