I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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