I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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