Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
