in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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