She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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