So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
