Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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