ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
