haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
