im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
