I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
