hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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