I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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