the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
