If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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