I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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