I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
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