You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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