The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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