Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My ass is underappreciated
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
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