If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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