Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
