i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
