Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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