I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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