we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!