I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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