im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
