She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
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