Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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