I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
