It was confusing and full of hummus
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
