He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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